As I had posted earlier, I had a problem with acquiring necessities I needed for my babies and I. My first husband was extremely hard to deal with to the point I was frightened of his reaction if I needed to tell him about anything. I just did not trust him to not hurt me, if I tried to get the money I needed from him. He wanted me to account for where every dime went. I went to work as a school secretary when my first baby was 10 months old. I got to where I would dread when I got my paycheck. I bought the main part of the month's groceries at that time. I literally dreaded walking through the door every time because he would meet me at the door raising hell about the money I spent on the groceries.
Groceries to feed our family!
There was no winning with him.
So to keep the peace in our home and remain safe, I got to where I would try to solve all the money issues by myself. It was not a good thing but I felt it was the only choice I had at the time.
If I needed anything or to pay anything, I got to where before we would get in a bind somehow, I would take out a payday loan. You know how expensive that is. It was just a quick solution. Before I knew it, I had gotten myself in a terrible fix. The fear I had of him had me thinking it would all be ok if I could just pay it back every payday. Well, of course, the way those loans work you more likely than not would end up in a cycle of renewing these loans to get more money back. I think at one time I had 6 or 7 of these loans I was continously chasing. So then, to keep him from finding out, I would do everything I had to keep him from getting the mail out of the mailbox every day, just in case they sent any paperwork. He wanted to have total control over every aspect of our lives. Once all was found out, I ended up having to file bankruptcy.
When I married my second husband, I would still react to things as though dealing with husband number one. I had not healed inside yet but brought this baggage from my first marriage into my second marriage. How many people does this happen to? Bringing baggage from a previous relationship. ALOT, I AM SURE...
It took some time but the money issues started affecting my life with husband number two.
It was, however, a little different
this time. Because of me never dealing with the addiction I had with money, it continued to get worse.
Because I did not feel I had the freedom I needed to ask for money during the first marriage, I demanded to take care of the finances myself during the second marriage. My husband, not realizing the problems I had before, agreed with it. My addiction even included gambling online later on and I lost alot of money; money we could not afford to lose.
I am now happy to be healed of this addiction today. I still have to be vigilant in watching what I spend. Any addiction, no matter what kind, has to be brought to the surface, dealt with and released.
I now know when a new relationship comes, we will keep each other accountable. I will have no more addictive tendencies with money. If we have issues of any kind to work through, it will be as a team. I am a far cry from the person I used to be. I am not built for secrets anymore. To feel totally free is the best feeling in the world.
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