"OUT OF THE DARKNESS" POST 19

I went from feeling on top of the world to being in the lowest valley when we split.  And to make it worse, within this last year I have received alot of what I call downloads of information in regard to that past relationship; the unhealed version of the person I loved and thought I knew.

Mind blowing things that were being done behind my back.

I had a bombardment of intuitive knowledge being given to me.

My person I thought I knew was in on some of the most hurtful deceitful things against me.  Things that hurt me the deepest I have ever been hurt.

Still I held firm in my faith that the person was ultimately good underneath all of that evil facade.

There were so many hidden secrets being kept from me.

So much stolen without my knowledge.  How could he do this?

I cannot say I did not already have a very strong feeling things were not as they seemed.

This man that I put all my faith in had torn down the remainder of my existence; what was left of a heart given so freely to him.  If my heart had any part of it still intact, finding out all these things about him finished breaking it down.

This man portrayed himself to be a certain type person that he knew I would want him to be and turned out to be not nearly the man I thought he was.  He hid his true self behind a mask. 

He was jealous and apparently quite mean and vindictive. How could someone who I thought loved me do such hurtful things?

I don't have a clue why he felt this way about me.  That I know of, I had done nothing to deserve the way he was treating me;  or if I had, I told myself, I just wished I understood what it was I had done.

I always tried to speak truth to him.  Even though it was so often I felt defeated in our relationship, I would try my best to give him every benefit of the doubt.  I held onto all the hurt he was dishing out but my heart absolutely refused to give up on him.  I had told him from the beginning, I would not share his affection with anyone else.  Because I was so enamored with him, I let it go really alot longer than I should have.  Close to our breakup, it was so obvious that he was trying to get me to lose interest.

This was so hard to let sink in.

That after showing him how much I loved him, it was not enough to make him happy.  

This ultimate betrayal was from a  person I thought of as my very best friend.

What in the world else?  I have lost the best friend I have ever had and the only man I have ever felt this deeply for.  All in one fatal swoop.