My first marriage was absolutely terrible from the very beginning.
From the time we said I do, it went downhill from there.
To you young girls out there...
Give yourself time to meet people and be able to choose the right person for you. Let yourself grow up and mature. There is a big difference in someone God sends for you and someone who your hormones are raging for. What alot of young people experience is not love but lust. We try to rush life too quickly.
I would never say I wish this marriage had never happened. Two of my most precious gifts came from this union, my two wonderful daughters. They were, and still are, the most precious people in my life. They give me alot of joy. When my first baby was born, my husband helped dress her to come home from the hospital. After that for the next four days, he didn't much talk to me or hold her. He had wanted a boy so badly. I was so hurt...
The marriage itself brought me pain and heartache. I felt I meant nothing to him. I was hurt deeply enough that I started looking outside my marriage for attention. All someone had to do was pay me a compliment and I ate it up. Not that it was ok. There was one man that showed me how gentle a man's nature could be. I fell in love with him and spent time with him for the next several months when I could get away. Life causes all kinds of trauma to each one of us. All these heartaches and trauma start piling up within us. We hold onto it without trying to help ourselves in dealing with it so we can release it. Can you imagine the baggage one collects over years of not releasing the hurt and pain we feel?
My husband was not a very nice person. The type that would sell my first horse that I loved dearly while I was at work one day and watch me fill the feed bucket that afternoon and walk to the barn knowing my horse was not there. He seemed to delight in this type behavior. If it wasn't this sort of thing, it was terrible verbal abuse or something even worse. The explosive behavior was always rough and hard to get through.
To fight meant I would get hurt, so I just kept it all inside myself.
Over time it festered.
We raised quarterhorses on the farm. The only out I gave myself to clear my mind and relax was horseback riding. By day, I worked as a jr. high school secretary; in the afternoon upon my arrival home, I would put on riding clothes and head straight to the barn to saddle a horse. I would ride sometimes until dark. The less time I had to deal with my husband, the better. My next horse was a cutting bred quarterhorse that could cut so fast I would end up on the ground alot. This would give me a good scapegoat for my blackened eyes.
I remember the first time I told the truth about having a bruised face. Something clicked in me one day like a light switch and I told my boss that it was not the horse but my husband who had done this to me! My boss was appalled, however for me, it felt so good to tell the truth...
You will see that the date of June 3rd has held important meaning through my life. I soon learned there was no way this could be a coincidence.
I married for the first time on June 3rd, 1977. My first child was born one year later on June 3rd, 1978. My divorce was final and signed by the judge on June 3rd, 1997. Yes, I stayed in this terrible marriage for 20 years. It was like I was telling myself I deserved to be miserable. Why do we do this to ourselves? That man went ballistic when he learned I filed for divorce. He had lost all control over me. He blamed the divorce on my mother. He told me it had to be my mother's decision because I was not smart enough to do that on my own...
After my divorce, I literally left the courthouse feeling like a bird who had been freed from a cage.
No more feeling like I was walking on eggshells to keep him happy or keep peace in our home. I had been terribly scared of him. I felt I had to be in survival mode to be with him.
To keep my protection around me, I thought I needed to solve all my problems on my own.
So no matter what issue came up, I would work overtime at keeping him from finding out about anything. I would chase the mailman to head off mail in regard to loans I had taken out to keep my bills paid. I needed money for buying necessities for myself and the children. It grew into one more mess. I refused to tell him about my problem with money and refused to ask him for help because I was petrified of what he would do to me. Matter of fact, I made a hermit of myself after the divorce for several months just because I was scared of running in to him.
It was no way to live.
I dated a few other men nothing serious, but eventually married again.
No comments:
Post a Comment