"OUT OF THE DARKNESS" POST 3

When I was in high school, I had very few friends.  I did not run with the popular crowd.  I was a very shy girl who stayed mostly to myself.  There were just a couple of girls that I had as close friends.  I definitely wasn't one who felt comfortable in a large group.  I did not participate in any extra activities.  I never wanted to do anything that may bring me unwanted attention or put the spotlight on me.  I just did not fit in among my peers.

Junior high brought me my first crush.  We really thought we were something holding hands between classes or during breaks.

Then came high school and a more serious relationship.  At 15 and 16 years old, we were already going steady they called it.  This young man was already showing me big red flags, and already I was ignoring the intuition that God gave me...

I turned a blind eye to it.  I thought I was in love as so many young girls do.  Instead of allowing myself a chance to date other people, I stayed with him and within the next four years, I married him.  He never asked me to marry him, it was an  agreement between the two of us, I guess.  We just talked about doing it.  Romantic, huh?

Young people approach marriage as though it will be like a fairytale.  No one lets you in on the reality of it all. Next thing you know you have two disappointed young people wondering what in the world happened.  Things were not supposed to be like this...

Real life is anything but a fairytale.

I worked a full time job while he attended our local jr.college for

a meat processing course.  He had grown up farming.  Money was of course very tight.    We were the most incompatible couple ever.  We were trying to survive a real life marriage with absolutely nothing in common as a foundation.  We fought all the time.  It was not long and his abusive behavior raised it's ugly head.  Don't get me wrong;  I had a real talent for opening my mouth at the wrong time and the words would come out sounding rude and unkind.  More likely than not, this usually would turn out bad for me. He would verbally attack me or things would become violent. Things had to be his way or no way.  If he could not stay in control of every situation he would get very angry.  He was not living in the real world when it came down to the cost of essentials.  He made my life miserable.  He would give me a certain amount of money and I was expected to put full meals on the table.  I would try explaining to him about a bill of groceries and staple items as a base starting point.  There was never enough money for what I needed.  It would have been much easier if he hadn't gotten so mad at me for putting together smaller meals...that's all that I could accomplish on the money he gave me.

My husband had a very close relationship with his mother. 

Anytime something would come up that called for the two of us to discuss something, I was left out completely and he and his mother would make the decisions.  Talking about a slap in the face; this was it... 

Sad to say, I remember taking money out of the petty cash box at work to help buy diapers and other things needed until on  my next payday I would return it.  This was several times I did this..I was petrified to ask him for more money.  It was during this time when my relationship with money took a nosedive.