"OUT OF THE DARKNESS" POST 12

Within the last six months of our marriage I decided we needed to  take a trip, do something fun.  I got online and purchased some concert tickets for us to go see Deep Purple and Judas Priest.  It came time for the show and we took our seats.  We had the 3rd and 4th seats on this row, within maybe 8 to 10 isles back on the floor.

A few minutes before showtime, in came a couple men who took the two outside seats.  We were squeezed in like sardines.  The man who came and sat next to me seemed to tower over me.  He looked down at me and assured me we would all be fine. I guess he knew from the look I gave him I wondered how we would fit.  He was a big guy and there was very little room between seats.  I cannot explain the feeling that came over me when we looked at one another.  I had this strong feeling that I knew him.  We had an instant connection and spark between us.

I had been married two times to two different men and I can honestly say I had never felt about either one of them the way I felt immediately about this man I had just met.  

My husband and I and this man and his friend introduced ourselves and we visited with each other before the show started.

This man and I, we couldn't keep our eyes off of one another.  After the concert started, he had a chance to ask me if I was on Facebook.  I showed him my profile.  I really did not think that much of it.

As the show was ending, the two men got up to make an exit from the venue before they had a chance to get stuck in traffic.

I felt an overwhelming sadness when they left.

How could I be feeling like this over a total stranger?

That was the longest ride home that night.  I had this strong sense of loss that I didn't understand.  I just kept thinking I will not ever see him again.

After just a couple days at most I got a hello on Facebook.  The problem was that his profile picture looked nothing like the man I had met.  I had recently had a man I friended turn out to be a scammer, so I was not exactly eager to answer this man back either.  It took me 10 days to figure out this was my new friend I had met at the concert.

He and I struck up a friendship quickly.  We talked every day for the next four months.  We decided that we would meet in person after those four months were over.  

My divorce was finalized within two months of our first meeting in person.

I fell in love with this man so quickly; the deepest love I had ever known.  So deeply in fact that I ignored the fact that he was married.

He told me that he and his wife slept in separate bedrooms and I was not breaking up anything.  

He convinced me and I convinced myself that everything was fine.  I normally would have never done this but I was crazy over him.  This turned in to quite a love affair and we carried on a long distance relationship for a period of four years.  However,

I did not know my worth.  Even though he would tell me this was just a friends with benefits thing, I refused to take him at his word.

He would say I care for you but this is not going to ever become anything more.  How much clearer can someone make themselves?  Another problem too was that I knew through his actions that he loved me, he just refused to voice it to me.  I did not want to give him up.  We would take short trips together. 

We really enjoyed each other's company.

"OUT OF THE DARKNESS" POST 11

I came to understand that everything that lead up to my being born again, God had put  into play like pieces to a puzzle.  Nothing that happened was by accident... NOTHING.  Buying the property, the creatures, all of it.

Remember my history with the date of June 3rd as mentioned before?  The date I received my salvation was June 3rd, 2010.

I know now I was being tested as well.  I know my life is meant for greater things;  I just have not become aware of what my purpose is just yet, but this was the beginning of my awakening.   This whole experience sent me into what is referred to as the dark night of the soul.  Where everything you considered to be your reality is stripped away and you have no choice but to search inside yourself to gain closeness and connection with the creator.

I soon started realizing more about myself.  Since very small I had been painfully aware of how different I seemed to be from others.  As I grew up I was so tender hearted towards others.

Someone could treat me unkind and I may keep to myself and shed tears for a short time but I always would bounce back even stronger.  I never seemed to treat others with that same type attitude that they dished out to me.  I would internalize the deep hurt but I never let it change the person I am.

Alot of times, I could read a person's energy towards me very quickly and it kept me ready for anything that may come.  They would not have to speak to me at all.  As an adult I realized how much I loved other people, no matter how they treated me.  If another person and I fell out about anything, I could never stay upset.  I have had, over the course of my life, experienced so many hurtful words spoken to me that if I had had a different  nature, I  probably would not ever have wanted  to speak to those people again.  I never allowed myself to grow distant from them.

Another thing that I have noticed over time about myself is that I very frequently interpret words or phrases differently than other people.  That gives me the strangest feeling because it  serves to remind me just how different I truly am.  Sometimes, being this way caused a breakdown in communication and alot of misunderstandings.

From the time I was small I wished to be in a position to help people who needed it.  I feel the same way about our animal friends.  I dream of the day there will be a home for every living creature, every adult, child or animal on this planet.  They should all have a place to call  their home, never homeless or living on the street.

After all my husband and I had been through, including money issues that followed me from my previous marriage, and the lack of support I felt from him while going through those difficult days I experienced on the property, we grew very distant.  The final year we were in the house together we were much more like roommates than a married couple.  After twenty more years of not being someone's priority,  this season of my life was soon coming to a close.

"OUT OF THE DARKNESS" POST 10

 I thought my interactions with these creatures thus far had brought me joy.  As I had mentioned in one of my earlier posts,  just being in close proximity to them increased my psychic abilities many times over.

Some photographs I had taken of the woods where they stayed would transport me to a different place in time.  One particular photo transported me to a cave where a soldier's civil war sword leaned against the wall, a canteen sat on a shelf carved out of the clay cave wall and on the floor was what looked like a saddlebag;  I was seeing a soldier's temporary living quarters.

These creatures were showing me abilities they possessed.  There was this one day I had spent some quality time with my two grandsons out in my front yard.   Within the next couple days the creatures showed me how they could literally record things they had witnessed me doing and play it back for me;  a replay of my day in the yard with my grandsons.  They just kept shocking me.  They had gifted me a flat piece of driftwood I found lying in the sand which had been carved with an indian scene on it., just like what they had scratched in the sand before. With all the interactions I had with the sasquatch, I believed them to be good,  not something opposite of that.  I had no idea the danger I was in.

From that first night, the one at the window had my undivided attention.  I had invited things into my life and into my home.   I had been taken over by evil and did not even have a clue.

The telepathic conversations took place every single night.

This creature started filling my head with things that would happen in the future; with many lies.  

During this time, my husband and I would travel to Nascar races twice a year.

I was told that on our trip home after the next race, we would be involved in a terrible car accident.  This creature told me my husband would be killed in this crash but I would survive for one reason...I would be allowed to live because of the sacrifice of their children.  I cried uncontrollably.  How could it be possible that they would sacrifice their children for me to live longer? I just could not wrap my head around this, but believe it or not, I eventually accepted it as truth.

This creature told me his name was Tyjalitav, an egyptian name, I think.  It just kept getting stranger and stranger.  Through this whole ordeal, my children became so worried and with good cause.  I asked my husband one night when I realized the creature was already at the window, if he could see it.   He said no he couldn't see anything.  I was the only one, but it was so real!  How could he not see it?  I was the only one who could see it? This just did not make any sense to me.

 Over time I started looking so pale.  My eyes looked dark and hollowed out.  My family told me about how my looks were changing.

Things just started getting worse and worse for my health, both physical and emotional.  I couldn't sleep.  I started having some bad outbursts over the least little thing.  The more I tried to explain about what I was going through, I felt I was abandoned. I was receiving no support at all from most of my family.  I got really really angry.  

Then came the day I was sitting in my office at my desk.  I had leaned back in my chair and took a look in my compact.  I guess I was curious of just how sick I was looking.  I looked in the compact and there was a reflection of one of those creatures standing behind me; in my home?

It was then I realized just how in trouble I really was..I shut the compact and picked up this tiny little wooden cross I had been gifted earlier and held it so tightly in my hand.  I was riddled with fear.

I picked up my bible and layed across my bed and with my own eyes watched my bible open on its own to the story of how egyptians were worshipping baal and they were known to sacrifice their own children..

God was showing me first hand what truly was going on.  Fear overtook me.  I knew at this point, God was the only one who could help me.  I could do nothing on my own.

During the next short while, I sat home alone on the sofa and heard the most gentle beautiful voice in my ear telling me I was going to receive a very special gift.  Soon after hearing this, my body went limp and I fell back on the sofa thrashing about as though I was being beaten...this went on probably  5  to 10 minutes.  I was all alone. When I sat up, I was wringing wet with sweat.  I come up off that couch a different person.  I realized right then that I had literally been possessed by a demon.

I had never met God halfway at all. I was so humbled.

God had come all the way to me;  he met me where I was to save me. He loved me.  I was so overwhelmed with gratitude.  

God had been with me through all of this.  How else would I have been able to come out of this and still be sane?

We had the house blessed after that to rid it of all demonic energy.  I also burned anything to do with all the creatures including my computer and printer.  I turned my back on all the evil and soon realized I would have to fight some very difficult spiritual battles in my life.   I still to this day have good days and bad days  because of what I went through.

I have a deep understanding of what can happen to a person when unsaved.  You do not have to be a bad person for this sort of thing to happen to you.  The mental institutions are full of people who are possessed.  THAT is their illness.

THAT is what happens with   good individuals who have been targeted by satan.  THEY are the ones being used to do his evil in this world...the terrible work of the evil one.   Simply because,  if not saved and filled with God's light, their bodies can be entered by evil entities.  It's that simple.

Contrary to what alot of people believe, satan and his demons are real.  God's angels, love and light are... VERY VERY REAL.

"OUT OF THE DARKNESS" POST 9

So many things began to occur as the days went by.  I learned that they loved to listen to music.  About 9:00 every morning, after my husband would leave for work, they would knock on the back of the trailer  to get me to turn on music for them again. Quickly, once they heard music playing that first time, this became a daily ritual. If for any reason I failed to turn on the music, a second round of knocks would soon be heard.  A few days of morning knocks and they had me trained.  While playing music, I started taking pics through the kitchen window pointing the camera downward.  When I would load them on the computer, I could see several of them sitting on the ground just like indians would do...it was wild!! Just enjoying the heck out of the music I played for them. What I really took notice of was the fact they loved AC/DC..lol

This set of pictures were my first clue that there was certainly some kind of connection with native americans true enough. 

I started finding pictures they had drawn in the sand depicting

teepees, indians and also horses...they were trying to communicate with me through their drawings.

I had pampas grass growing around the curve of our driveway.  There was at that time another member of the sasquatch family to show up who was absolutely the color of an orangutan.  He would hide behind the pampas grass and think he would not be seen.  This was just too funny.  There is absolutely no way to hide something that is that shade of electrified orange.  He made me laugh.  Besides the three I picked out in one of my pictures, orange boy and one other dark brown who had no thick hair on the face but thick hair from the neck down were all of them to my knowledge other than the baby who left me that wonderful print. This last one to start coming around, if hiding behind any brush, looked so much like a human man looking at you it was quite intimidating; more so than the others.

It was not long until one most certainly stepped forward.

I had a habit of falling asleep on the couch every night.  My husband would get up after the news went off and leave me sleeping soundly.  Our windows had blinds with curtain toppers above them and more times than not the blinds would be open until I got up and went to bed myself.

It was one of those nights upon waking that I saw a set of red eyes staring through the window at me.  Those wicked eyes, that's all I could see; however this creature otherwise put out a gentle type vibe.  I of course was cemented to the sofa.  I was    just thinking to myself and  got the shock  of my life when the creature started answering my questions telepathically.

"OUT OF THE DARKNESS" POST 8

The day came for the researchers to arrive on our property.  There were two men who proceeded to comb our property for anything out of the ordinary.  They did not leave empty handed, thats for sure.

At the back of our home they found where one had been standing on a mound of dirt that would give them a direct line of sight through our kitchen window.  Well, that was creepy...

I had no clue.  Our mobile home was skirted off the ground several feet.  Never would I have imagined that they could be watching me while I stood at the kitchen window washing dishes or whatever.  Yikes!

They also found where they had been breaking limbs over to mark their territory. They  eventually would leave a large limb leaning up at a sideways angle to mark where they wanted me to stay out.  

Since it was obvious that these creatures were present at times on the property, the BFRO wanted me to set up a feeding site for them to see if they would accept apples I would leave out for them every day.  It was a success.  I would leave atleast 4 apples a day.  They did not take all the apples every day but did eventually get where they would take all I left out.  Over time the creatures would come in closer to the house.  Even though they had not shown themselves to me yet I could feel them there.

My psychic abilities became even stronger while they were around.  My interest in them became stronger as well.  I learned more about them with every day that passed.  

The researchers let me in on the fact that sasquatch apparently knew indian sign language...interesting.

One day I walked out to find deer leg bones in a certain area in my yard.  Something as a gift I suppose for the apples I would leave for them.  They continued bringing them on a fairly regular basis.  Things just became more and more interesting.

I would keep the BFRO in the loop  on what was transpiring.

I got an idea about using my camera with a zoom lense and started taking lots and lots of pictures.  I could not see them but knew they were there watching me.  It was weird.  I tried my best to talk to my husband about what I was experiencing but it was just no use.  I was becoming more and more deeply hurt that I had no one in the family that I  could share this with.   I would talk to my daughters at times but it could never be the kind of discussion I longed for it to be.  Because of how crazy it all sounded, I am sure they were concerned about my mental health.  The hardest thing in the world is knowing the truth about something and no one else believing you.

I would take my photographs and load them on the computer.

These creatures were very intelligent.  They were aware of what I was doing.  I wanted them to show themselves to me.

It finally dawned on me after showing many photos to my family, I was the only one able to see them in the photographs where others could not; that it was something these creatures were allowing  me to see.

Another type gift I suppose.

I learned enough sign language thay they would understand, walked up on the top of the hill one day where I would leave apples and turned towards the wooded area where they stayed.  I signed to them they were welcome there and could come there any time.  After I did that, one would show itself enough for me to see how huge he was.  He stood maybe 15 to 20 ft. into the woodline.   He would mainly do this if I was standing just inside my front door.  Oh my goodness! His shoulders were every bit of a yard wide.  He was covered in black hair.  I took a picture that showed three or four of them napping.  One solid black, a black one that had a lightning bolt across it's face in white,  a brown one that looked so much like Chewbacca...this was so unreal!

Researchers introduced me to an indian woman off the reservation in Oklahoma.  We started talking about what had been going on.

She told me she was not quite sure why that many of them were hanging around but that she was aware that there would be one individual who would more than likely step forward and try to communicate.

Oh yes!  And that small footprint cast that I had was passed on by the BFRO to the foremost bigfoot footprint expert in the United States, Dr. Jeff Meldrum, at Idaho State University as part of his collection.

"OUT OF THE DARKNESS" POST 7

The last ten years had seen dealing with his daughter and a surprise pregnancy, dealing with my daughter and her children and just trying to deal period. My husband and I had never been alone in our home. We had gone from a small mobile home that I had parked on the land to having his moved onto the property.  Oh boy, did we ever need the room.  We went through his daughter having a baby at 16, my daughter and her children living in the house with us after a breakup but thank goodness, not all at the same time.  His daughter tried but just never had a motherly way about her.  Her child had been passed from one home to another.  Her maternal grandmother raised the baby until she got to be around 10 or 12 and then later on when the granddaughter turned 14, we adopted her as our own.  She needed a place that could become more of a stable environment for her.  She was another head strong girl who you could not deal with in a calm manner without feeling like pulling your hair out.  Both mother and daughter were bipolar.  Anyone who has ever had to try and run a household while dealing with that kind of stress, well let's just say you know what I am talking about.   I honestly thought had I known this man came with this kind of baggage, I would not have married him.  We just took one day at a time.

In October of 2009,  strangely enough; Halloween night, I was on my way to an open house.  I walked out of the house to my car.  There was a warm humid breeze blowing that night.

Before I got to the car, I heard quite a frightening howl flowing  through the woods very close to our home. I had never heard anything like it before.  It made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.   I backed up against my car and just listened. You could tell this had to be a very large animal.  It froze me in place, it scared me so badly.  I had heard other unusual sounds out there before, but nothing that came close to this.  I was scared and curious all at the same time.  I listened for close to 10 minutes before I finally decided to leave.

I wondered, was this real or did I imagine it?  It was another two weeks before I heard anything else.   I had not seen anything at all at this point but I heard another strange sound coming from up the hill from our home just inside the wood line as I sat in my office at the computer one night.  It sounded  so close and it sounded like a perfect mix of man and ape.. yelling out...what I now know they call a whoop.

Well, the month of December, 2009, was very wet and rainy.  It rained so much that month, the ground stayed so sloshy.  I was walking up the hill off the top of our driveway when I came across two sets of huge footprints;  one set was 18 inches in length and about 7 inches wide.  The other set were maybe 15 to 16 inches long...not sure of the width.  Definitely two individuals walking side by side. 

It looked like some kind of giants had walked across the yard.  I tried so very hard to cast them but it was just too wet.  This is where you will probably start thinking this woman has lost her mind, but I promise you this is all the truth as it happened.  

I tried to tell my husband and show him the prints but he would not listen to me.  This was the beginning of the death of our relationship.  When something so outrageous happens, who is the first person you want to tell...yeh.  He chose to close himself off to it.  I believe now it was because this was something he could not protect me from and it scared him.

I kept thinking about this for about a week.  Then I decided to contact BFRO (BIGFOOT RESEARCHERS ORGANIZATION) and get them to come investigate.  A week or so before their arrival, I was finally able to get a decent casting on a footprint.  Unlike the others this one was only 3 inches in length.  Once again there was a second set of prints, however I was unable to cast them.   The smaller one came out perfectly.  It even showed a definite midtarsal break these creatures have.  I was so excited to have this available for when the researchers would arrive.  I held something in the palm of my hand that not everyone gets a chance to see.

"OUT OF THE DARKNESS" POST 6

Twenty years is a long time to be away from dating.  It's like starting completely over.  The only difference is, you are more nervous than you've ever been in your life.  My new guy was alot different than the man I had been married to.  After two years of being single, I had gotten to the lonely stage. My new boyfriend and I dated for six months and then he asked me to marry him.  I was longing to be in another committed relationship. I said yes and we married in October of 1999.  For several years we got along alright but this relationship was also lacking the deep love my heart hungered for.  Was it so unrealistic to believe that true love could exist?   It was not very long at all that we were married and the two of us became a family of three overnight.  My stepdaughter and her mother had a huge fight and she ended up living in the house with us.  She was a fifteen year old who assumed she would rule the way things would be.  This girl was very head strong and had been given her way entirely too much.  Because my husband had missed out on alot of time with her, I found out fairly quickly that I was not my new husband's priority.  Because he had this fear of losing her again, the relationship between he and his daughter came first.  Every time  I would try to speak up  for myself, I was always told that I was trying to start an argument and I would be shut down.  I cannot tell you how much this broke my heart. I just wanted to explain the way this made me feel.   It's hard for a wife to be happy if she is disrespected.  It only served to remind me of the life I had lived thus far.  In order to keep peace in our family, I just started pushing my feelings aside. I started internalizing all of it.  By this time. I would hold everything in to the point I would explode with anger when it got to be too much.  This did not help matters at all.  I felt forced into a corner on some decisions I  never would have agreed with.  All the while feeling so much anger.  I became very numb.  One thing I can say is my husband attended church faithfully and it was because of him that I even gave an effort to attending as well.  During this time, I managed to walk to the altar and  had convinced myself that I was saved and born again.  I can honestly say that when I got baptized, I just got wet...that's all.  I realized then that most people who attended church, myself included, were just going through the motions of believing all was well with their soul.  There were very few true, close relationships with God to be found within those walls. People did not seem to change, people just did what was expected of them.

Our family was just like yours...

We went through good times and we went through bad times.  Life is like a rollercoaster you know.   We managed to get through ten years of marriage and still together.  That was a miracle.

"OUT OF THE DARKNESS" POST 5

Little did I l know my life was fixing to really go in a wild direction...

During the time just before my divorce, I started looking for a new home.  I can look back now and honestly say nothing that took place happened by accident;  God had his plans set in motion for me long before I knew anything about it.

I heard through someone about a piece of property for sale.  When I went to look at it, it was exactly what I had been hoping to find.

Almost 9 acres off the road out in the middle of nowhere surrounded by woods on all sides and no neighbors right next to me.  This is my kind of place!  I loved it and it instantly felt like home to me.

I did not have the money to outright purchase it at that time.  I spoke to the seller and filled him in on the fact I would soon receive a divorce settlement.

We came to an agreement and I was allowed to lease it for the next couple of months until my divorce was finalized.  With the help of my parents, I purchased an old model mobile home and parked it on my land.  Things were coming along nicely.  After receiving my settlement I paid for the land in full.  For the next two years I lived a peaceful life as a single lady. I felt happier than I had been in a very long time. I had never really given any thought to the fact that this sort of thing doesn't normally fall into place this easily for a woman on her own.  

At the time I had gone to work at our local hospital as a birth certificate clerk within the medical records office.  I met a few girls who became very good friends.  One of the girls who worked in the transcription office knew of someone who had been looking for someone to date after his marriage had ended.  

I really did not fancy the idea too much at the time but she eventually talked me in to letting him call me.  Within the week of talking to him we planned to meet on a blind date.  Both of us were extremely nervous. We had both been off the market for twenty years.

"OUT OF THE DARKNESS" POST 4

I was no expert at choosing men.

My first marriage was absolutely terrible from the very beginning.

From the time we said I do, it went downhill from there.

To you young girls out there...

Give yourself time to meet people and be able to choose the right person for you. Let yourself grow up and mature.  There is a big difference in someone God sends for you and someone who your hormones are raging for.  What alot of young people experience is not love but lust.  We try to rush life too quickly.

I would never say I wish this marriage had never happened.  Two of my most precious gifts came from this union, my two wonderful daughters.  They were, and still are, the most precious people in my life.  They give me alot of joy.  When my first baby was born, my husband helped dress her to come home from the hospital.  After that for the next four days, he didn't much  talk to me or hold her.  He had wanted a boy so badly.  I was so hurt...

The marriage itself brought me pain and heartache.  I felt I meant nothing to him.  I was hurt deeply enough that I started looking outside my marriage for attention. All someone had to do was pay me a compliment and I ate it up.  Not that it was ok.  There was one man that showed me how gentle a man's nature could be. I fell in love with him and spent time with him for the next several months when I could get away.  Life causes all kinds of trauma to each one of us.  All these heartaches and trauma start piling up within us.  We hold onto it without trying to help ourselves in dealing with it so we can release it.  Can you imagine the baggage one collects over years of not releasing the hurt and pain we feel?

My husband was not a  very nice person.  The type that would sell my first horse that I loved dearly while  I was at work one day and watch me fill the feed bucket that afternoon and walk to the barn knowing my horse was not there.  He seemed to delight in this type behavior.  If it wasn't this sort of thing, it was terrible verbal abuse or something even worse.  The explosive behavior was always rough and hard to get through.

To fight meant I would get hurt, so I just kept it all inside myself.

Over time it festered.

We raised quarterhorses on the farm. The only out I gave myself to clear my mind and relax was horseback riding.  By day, I worked as a jr. high school secretary;  in the afternoon upon my arrival home, I would put on riding clothes and head straight to the barn to saddle a horse.  I would ride sometimes until dark.  The less time I had to deal with my husband, the better.  My next horse was a cutting bred quarterhorse that could cut so fast I would end up on the ground alot.  This  would give me a good scapegoat for my blackened eyes.

I remember the first time I told the truth about having a bruised face.  Something clicked in me one day like a light switch and I told my boss that it was not the horse but my husband who had done this to me!  My boss was appalled, however for me, it felt so good to tell the truth...

You will see that the date of June 3rd has held important meaning through my life.  I soon learned there was no way this could be a coincidence.

I married for the first time on June 3rd, 1977.  My first child was born one year later on June 3rd, 1978.  My divorce was final and signed by the judge on June 3rd, 1997.  Yes, I stayed in this terrible marriage for 20 years.    It was like I was telling myself I deserved to be miserable.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  That man went ballistic when he learned I filed for divorce.  He had lost all control over me.  He blamed the divorce on my mother.  He told me it had to be my mother's decision because I was not smart enough to do that on my own...

After my divorce, I literally left the courthouse feeling like a bird who had been freed from a cage.

No more feeling like I was walking on eggshells to keep him happy or keep peace in our home.  I had been terribly scared of him.  I felt I had to be in survival mode to be with him.

To keep my protection around me, I thought I needed to solve all my problems on my own.

So no matter what issue came up, I would work overtime at keeping him from finding out about anything.  I would chase the mailman to head off mail in regard to loans I had taken out to keep my bills paid.  I needed money for buying necessities for myself and the children.  It grew into one more mess.  I refused to tell him about my problem with money and refused to ask him for help because I was petrified of what he would do to me.  Matter of fact, I made a hermit of myself after the divorce for several months just because I was scared of running in to him.

It was no way to live.

I dated a few other men nothing serious, but eventually married again.

"OUT OF THE DARKNESS" POST 3

When I was in high school, I had very few friends.  I did not run with the popular crowd.  I was a very shy girl who stayed mostly to myself.  There were just a couple of girls that I had as close friends.  I definitely wasn't one who felt comfortable in a large group.  I did not participate in any extra activities.  I never wanted to do anything that may bring me unwanted attention or put the spotlight on me.  I just did not fit in among my peers.

Junior high brought me my first crush.  We really thought we were something holding hands between classes or during breaks.

Then came high school and a more serious relationship.  At 15 and 16 years old, we were already going steady they called it.  This young man was already showing me big red flags, and already I was ignoring the intuition that God gave me...

I turned a blind eye to it.  I thought I was in love as so many young girls do.  Instead of allowing myself a chance to date other people, I stayed with him and within the next four years, I married him.  He never asked me to marry him, it was an  agreement between the two of us, I guess.  We just talked about doing it.  Romantic, huh?

Young people approach marriage as though it will be like a fairytale.  No one lets you in on the reality of it all. Next thing you know you have two disappointed young people wondering what in the world happened.  Things were not supposed to be like this...

Real life is anything but a fairytale.

I worked a full time job while he attended our local jr.college for

a meat processing course.  He had grown up farming.  Money was of course very tight.    We were the most incompatible couple ever.  We were trying to survive a real life marriage with absolutely nothing in common as a foundation.  We fought all the time.  It was not long and his abusive behavior raised it's ugly head.  Don't get me wrong;  I had a real talent for opening my mouth at the wrong time and the words would come out sounding rude and unkind.  More likely than not, this usually would turn out bad for me. He would verbally attack me or things would become violent. Things had to be his way or no way.  If he could not stay in control of every situation he would get very angry.  He was not living in the real world when it came down to the cost of essentials.  He made my life miserable.  He would give me a certain amount of money and I was expected to put full meals on the table.  I would try explaining to him about a bill of groceries and staple items as a base starting point.  There was never enough money for what I needed.  It would have been much easier if he hadn't gotten so mad at me for putting together smaller meals...that's all that I could accomplish on the money he gave me.

My husband had a very close relationship with his mother. 

Anytime something would come up that called for the two of us to discuss something, I was left out completely and he and his mother would make the decisions.  Talking about a slap in the face; this was it... 

Sad to say, I remember taking money out of the petty cash box at work to help buy diapers and other things needed until on  my next payday I would return it.  This was several times I did this..I was petrified to ask him for more money.  It was during this time when my relationship with money took a nosedive.

"OUT OF THE DARKNESS" POST 2

Some might say I have an unhealthy obsession with the afterlife.  I have always been curious about what happens to us after we die.

I love programs about  hauntings, haunted places and all things paranormal.  Any time that type programming was on,  you would find me in front of the television, binge watching even.

My family would tell me since I was watching so much of all that negative stuff it would surely bring it into our home.  My fascination also included cryptids.  There were some things I never had to wonder about; I just knew they were a reality, but how?  How did I know?  Most people needed proof...they would believe it if they saw it for themselves.  Not me.  I was the exact polar opposite of that.  You would have to convince me that they don't.

I was raised in the protestant faith but somehow I felt something important was missing.  Formal church services were never giving me what I needed.  I considered myself a bad person for not enjoying church.  I just felt it was  a matter of going through the motions. For the most part, it felt meaningless to me.  I thought to myself, surely I am not the only one feeling like this. I totally enjoyed teaching the children's sunday school class or helping in the kitchen during potluck dinners we had on occasion. I enjoyed  the layed back prayer meetings we had on Wednesday nights.  However, those formal church services were not for me;

A feeling of guilt washing over you when there was an altar call.

When groups would go up front to pray, I was in, but do not expect me to walk the church isle alone drawing attention to myself.  If it had been left to me to go to the front to receive my salvation, it would never have happened.  Something just seemed off to me, but at that time, I was very unsure of what it could be.  I assumed that I was the issue.